Football Fanatical

By: Nate Gordon

During the 2006 NFL season I made 4 mistakes:

1. I drafted Dom Davis in the first round of my fantasy league draft. (The next day he tore his ACL in practice missing the whole season.)

2.I drafted Clinton Portis in the second round of fantasy league draft. (He separated his shoulder making a killer tackle on an interception, in the first series of preseason.)

3. I forgot how bad Art Shell's clock management skills were from childhood. (Simmons wouldn't let me forget during this season though.)

4. I rationalized Aaron Brooks as my starting quarterback. (Insert joke here)

Each of these mistakes screwed me one by one. I finished 7th in my fantasy league last year after starting like 5-2 in a 14 game season while simultaneously learning to hate everything about LaDell Betts from the way he ran the ball to his first name. Seriously if he wasn't black his name would be Dell Betts and how horrible is that? Art Shell's loyalty to his coaching staff a la 1988 left the Raiders with an offense so embarrassing even Kansas City's defense was laughing at us; of course they were only laughing and not doing they're job because Herm Edwards did a terrible job preparing the team, a terrible job. (I just found out that Herm has been doing such a terrible job preparing the team because he is busy directing Children's Fashion Shows for NFL Apparel - do I need to go further with this?) And Aaron Brooks, well unsigned JaMaracus Russell currently owns his number 2 jersey. Basically I'm still trying to kill the brain cells that remember the entire year of 2006, I'd like the promptly flush it down the shitter. A 3-day weekend at Keith Richards house should provide enough blow to do the trick.

Since I've now forgotten 2006 I can't speak about it anymore, so I'll fast forward to this morning. I was sluggish waking up since it was 6 AM on a Sunday... yes I said 6 AM. I stumbled to the car much like a drunk would later at a stop light to ask for change, it was cold so I had my windows rolled up and couldn't be bothered. Some of you will think that was heartless of me, but you know what.... if Keyshawn Johnson and Bill Parcelles were on your radio together on NFL Opening Sunday, you wouldn't be bothered either, so I don't wanna hear it. I find it enjoyable to hear what Key and Tuna have to say, I mean who wouldn't considering neither of them have shut the hell up since 1996 when they first met up. I'm mostly happy to hear Tuna on the radio cause that means I don't have to see he's old man boobs in those horrid form fitting coaches polo's on Sundays. I was finally starting to get excited about football again. I was getting so excited to see the Raiders play in a real game again that I wasn't even sleepy when I got to work. The thought of getting home to see the Raiders/Lions game in the afternoon was more then enough.

When I got home this afternoon at 1:10 I was excited to still see Jim Brown's increasing receding hairline and Dan Marino's constant look of being uncomfortable. They were making fairly obvious observations and given very little true analytical information but I could care less, it's week 1 and more importantly I missed the morning games and they're filling me in. Adrian Peterson looks like an absolute animal, ignore the 4.3 speed and killer footwork, this kid is strong, and as Jeff said to me S-T-R-O-N-G!!! AD would of been the mornings most impressive player for my money if it weren't for New England lighting up the J-E-T-S like they were L-O-S-E-R-S. Then Jim Brown said the one thing that ruined my day "Thanks for watching, up next US Open Tennis." What!?!?! CBS isn't carrying the game and I'm in a local market? This is bad, that means that Fox is carrying the game and (like the douche bags they are) they're showing the LA Market San Diego/Chicago because it's a higher profile NFC game. CBS always shows LA the Raiders as the regional team.... this is overwhelmingly depressing, so i found the expensive smoking lamp and turned on the computer to get the stream online. It's just not the same, I hit up Jeff who is in Santa Barbara to see what Fox is showing there. "We have the Raider game man." That's all I needed to hear, an hour away my team is on TV, in the city I was working in this morning. I had contemplated during work going to where Jeff was to watch the game but then decided that because they're Charger fans there I would go home and watch. Here I am at home, watching the damn Chargers...

So here we are now at halftime where Terry Bradshaw informs me that Oakland was the upset pick of the week, thanks for jinxing my already doomed team Terry. For Christ sake a hall of fame Raider in Howie Long is sitting right there and he let the team get jinxed on National TV by the guy in the freaking Supercuts commercials; no doubt he actively participated in the jinx. After missing three field goals the Raiders lost 36-21 but only needed to not turn the ball over in the 4th quarter to claim victory when leading 21-20. Oakland claim victory? Al Davis will claim Social Security worked with the NFL in conspiracy to keep him from winning bingo on Tuesdays faster. It is so depressing to be an Oakland Raider fan these days; where is that expensive smoking lamp?

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A Silver Lining and Black Quarterback

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By: Nathaniel Gordon

E-mail: LASportsblog@gmail.com


Please help me observe a moment of silence for Elton Brand's career....

Thank you.

It's difficult to imagine, much less believe, that after all these seasons of almost iron man like service that Elton Brand would succumb to an Achilles injury. Mr. 20-10 as I like to call him, Brand has been a faithful servant to the Clipper fan base for the last several years and before that was the clear superstar on a horrid Chicago Bulls team. With Brand's injury it appears that the drafting of Al Thorton was sheer genius. You have to admit that it must of been really hard for Clippers GM Elgin Baylor to pass up on hometown star and USC product Nick Young, I was screaming Young's name from the top of the Alps on draft night. Also even though they are different players from different times, Thronton eerily reminds me of Danny Manning (we all know how that went.) Taking the best player on the board isn't always as easy as it looks, however Baylor came through and it will pay dividends. Although Brand's injury isn't career ending it is still very serious and possibly career threatening depending on how he... heals... okay I'll do it - depending on how he HEELS (that was terrible, I should be shot in my writing hand for that.) and rehabs over the next few months. It is very possible that Brand will only be a shell of his once dominating presence on the boards and his mid-range jumper and first step will most likely be off. With all those inhibitions stated I can only hope that Brand will come back 100% and I wish him a speedy and full recovery.

I'll save the full obituary of Elton's Career for his retirement due to injury press conference in a few months...

While I'm waiting for poor Elton to hang up the Nike Air's I've had a chance to catch up with the Oakland Raiders Pre-Season workouts. There is this new quarterback in town with a killer arm. This strapping (no not a gun, complimenting his size) intelligent Black kid is poised to win a few games this season in Oakland if he can get his stuff straight and have a strong pre-season. For those of you not already aware I'm talking about Daunte Culpepper not JaMarcus Russell. JaMarcus is in the middle of a holdout in which the Raiders are trying to low ball him contractually when it comes to contract assurances, however the sides are moving closer and Russell should be in camp middle or late next week. In the meantime Culpepper is busy showing Lane Kiffin and the Raider Coaching Staff why he's still a top notch NFL quarterback. His addition is been called an act of desperation by his critics, but there is much bigger Silver Lining here then a Black Cloud (I swear these Sunday Puns are KILLING me, but I digress.) Culpepper has all the physical gifts that Russell has and the experience in the league to help the team be somewhat competitive while still teaching the young pup the ropes as he becomes acclimated to the NFL.

Culpepper was shaky at best in his 4 games with Miami, however let's put that stint into perspective. Culpepper, desperate to not slide into injured quarterback oblivion, clearly forced himself to play well before he was ready. It was the sports equivalent to trying to have sex the night after you throw your back out; getting back to business feels great but your clearly not yourself and when it comes time to perform your flat on your back. Culpepper knows what it feels like to be flat on his back, he was sacked 21 times in 4 games last year! Only Andrew Walter took more of a beating, (23 sacks in weeks 4 and 5 combined, 12 in week 4 and 11 in week 5) looking like a tackling bag instead of a quarterback. I won't even mention Aaron what's-his-face, that guy was a worse pick up then Kerry Collins, Jeff George (the 1st time) and Vince Evans combined. At least Culpepper gives us a former MVP candidate, it's the most excited I've been by a candidate since Trung Candidate came in the league and flamed out like an actress that hits her prime at 18... I know... I'm thinking Lohan too. Although with a little bad luck and a lot of cocaine we could be talking Dakota Fanning in a few years.

The Culpepper situation in Oakland can best be summed up in this scene from last weeks Entourage:

Turtle: "You can give me the whole thing Drama, I can't do this."

Drama (grabbing a life size bunny suit from the back of the car): "Give me your suit Turtle I'm going in."

Turtle: "What are you doing drama?"

Drama: "If I'm dropping 5 Gs on this shit I'm getting some pussy!"

That's how I feel about the Raiders picking up Culpepper, we are investing all this money and time in Russell, if he won't come into camp we better get something for our efforts and Daunte
Culpepper will suffice. Moreover, I try to fit my favorite show into each and every blog in some way and this seemed to match up the best. Especially since last weeks episode pretty much blew chunks, I don't care about Ari's kid and where he goes to school, nor do I care about a human side to Ari's character. I care about as much as you care about reading this shit in a sports blog - but it's my blog so get yourself sorted out. Anyway things are looking up in Oakland while they're looking down in Clippers Camp, and no matter which side of the coin your on always know that their is a silver lining in every black situation.

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