Football Fanatical

By: Nate Gordon

During the 2006 NFL season I made 4 mistakes:

1. I drafted Dom Davis in the first round of my fantasy league draft. (The next day he tore his ACL in practice missing the whole season.)

2.I drafted Clinton Portis in the second round of fantasy league draft. (He separated his shoulder making a killer tackle on an interception, in the first series of preseason.)

3. I forgot how bad Art Shell's clock management skills were from childhood. (Simmons wouldn't let me forget during this season though.)

4. I rationalized Aaron Brooks as my starting quarterback. (Insert joke here)

Each of these mistakes screwed me one by one. I finished 7th in my fantasy league last year after starting like 5-2 in a 14 game season while simultaneously learning to hate everything about LaDell Betts from the way he ran the ball to his first name. Seriously if he wasn't black his name would be Dell Betts and how horrible is that? Art Shell's loyalty to his coaching staff a la 1988 left the Raiders with an offense so embarrassing even Kansas City's defense was laughing at us; of course they were only laughing and not doing they're job because Herm Edwards did a terrible job preparing the team, a terrible job. (I just found out that Herm has been doing such a terrible job preparing the team because he is busy directing Children's Fashion Shows for NFL Apparel - do I need to go further with this?) And Aaron Brooks, well unsigned JaMaracus Russell currently owns his number 2 jersey. Basically I'm still trying to kill the brain cells that remember the entire year of 2006, I'd like the promptly flush it down the shitter. A 3-day weekend at Keith Richards house should provide enough blow to do the trick.

Since I've now forgotten 2006 I can't speak about it anymore, so I'll fast forward to this morning. I was sluggish waking up since it was 6 AM on a Sunday... yes I said 6 AM. I stumbled to the car much like a drunk would later at a stop light to ask for change, it was cold so I had my windows rolled up and couldn't be bothered. Some of you will think that was heartless of me, but you know what.... if Keyshawn Johnson and Bill Parcelles were on your radio together on NFL Opening Sunday, you wouldn't be bothered either, so I don't wanna hear it. I find it enjoyable to hear what Key and Tuna have to say, I mean who wouldn't considering neither of them have shut the hell up since 1996 when they first met up. I'm mostly happy to hear Tuna on the radio cause that means I don't have to see he's old man boobs in those horrid form fitting coaches polo's on Sundays. I was finally starting to get excited about football again. I was getting so excited to see the Raiders play in a real game again that I wasn't even sleepy when I got to work. The thought of getting home to see the Raiders/Lions game in the afternoon was more then enough.

When I got home this afternoon at 1:10 I was excited to still see Jim Brown's increasing receding hairline and Dan Marino's constant look of being uncomfortable. They were making fairly obvious observations and given very little true analytical information but I could care less, it's week 1 and more importantly I missed the morning games and they're filling me in. Adrian Peterson looks like an absolute animal, ignore the 4.3 speed and killer footwork, this kid is strong, and as Jeff said to me S-T-R-O-N-G!!! AD would of been the mornings most impressive player for my money if it weren't for New England lighting up the J-E-T-S like they were L-O-S-E-R-S. Then Jim Brown said the one thing that ruined my day "Thanks for watching, up next US Open Tennis." What!?!?! CBS isn't carrying the game and I'm in a local market? This is bad, that means that Fox is carrying the game and (like the douche bags they are) they're showing the LA Market San Diego/Chicago because it's a higher profile NFC game. CBS always shows LA the Raiders as the regional team.... this is overwhelmingly depressing, so i found the expensive smoking lamp and turned on the computer to get the stream online. It's just not the same, I hit up Jeff who is in Santa Barbara to see what Fox is showing there. "We have the Raider game man." That's all I needed to hear, an hour away my team is on TV, in the city I was working in this morning. I had contemplated during work going to where Jeff was to watch the game but then decided that because they're Charger fans there I would go home and watch. Here I am at home, watching the damn Chargers...

So here we are now at halftime where Terry Bradshaw informs me that Oakland was the upset pick of the week, thanks for jinxing my already doomed team Terry. For Christ sake a hall of fame Raider in Howie Long is sitting right there and he let the team get jinxed on National TV by the guy in the freaking Supercuts commercials; no doubt he actively participated in the jinx. After missing three field goals the Raiders lost 36-21 but only needed to not turn the ball over in the 4th quarter to claim victory when leading 21-20. Oakland claim victory? Al Davis will claim Social Security worked with the NFL in conspiracy to keep him from winning bingo on Tuesdays faster. It is so depressing to be an Oakland Raider fan these days; where is that expensive smoking lamp?

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